Some frankly sick news has reached us that Urika-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt Jonsson is in line to replace Fiona Phillips on GMTV.

The retards at the ITV1 breakfast show have decided that Ulrika, never knowingly not looking like a cunt the size of the Le Pont de Normandie, would be the perfect dirty trout to revive the show in the wake of Fiona’s imminent departure.

Here’s a quote. You know, from GMTV:

‘Fiona’s departure is a blow, but this gives us a chance to give the whole show a spring clean. Ulrika is perfect - beautiful and intelligent, with an ability to laugh at herself.’

We didn’t know Stevie Wonder was now producing GMTV. We also didn’t know Ulrika Jonsson had an ability to do anything, let alone laugh at herself. Word up, Ulrika - take that baggy arse of yours and wrap it round your neck sort of taut, but not too taut… we’ll hold a prize draw for which lucky person gets to do the final yank. Talk about a thrilling denouement.

ps. Ooh, love a raffle.

pps. Tell GMTV just how much of a cunt you think Ulrika is, and that if they give her a job not only will you boycott the show, but those poor children won’t get anything.

You know us, we never like to be partisan. We feel it would be inappropriate. Someone stuck a bumper sticker on our non-existant vehicle - the one that wouldn’t run down that cunt Boris Johnson were he to inadvertently bumble like a special needs into oncoming traffic on his way to another day’s ‘work’ fucking up London - the other day which read, ‘John McCain’s a retard’, and we removed it immediately. Seriously, what’s wrong with people these days?

Impartial, that’s us. It’s just, you know, like, is it just the wind direction or does this election thing seem to have been going on since 1973? And aren’t the people at those convention raves terribly excitable, and partial to a ‘doesn’t sound like a BNP rally in the slightest’ chant or seven? Oh, and the Republicans seem terribly impressed by the fact that McCain has seven children, despite any dog on the street being capable of multitudinous births. Talking of which we are, understandably, totally obsessed by Sarah Palin. She’s hot. And it’s not a problem at all that were anything to go wrong with McCain, she’d be running the world. We think it would be a fun thing. Besides, she totally gets the lips ’n' eyes make-up rule, which Michelle Obama so doesn’t. 

Ooh but ooh, the person we’re really enjoying is that man up there, the one who likes drawing pretty stars all over his posters, and who think’s John’s a ‘Mavrick’. Personally, we thought he was a ‘Maverick’, but what do we know.

Fancy watching 48 minutes and 56 seconds of a doddery old man wittering on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…? Go here.

Hello.

Katie Price was on the Alan ‘In me Hampshire garden’ Titchmarsh Show yesterday, replete with newly tumescent gob. (Incidentally, we learned the word ‘tumescent’ back in 1996 when a then literary-minded lover sent a sex-pest text [advanced for it’s time, admittedly], with talk of his ‘cock, tumescent with desire’. It didn’t last much longer. Who wants to go out with someone whose idea of dirty talk is like a sesh with the Bloomsbury Set?)

Anyways plural, t’looks like Katie off-of Jordan’s had a bit more costly kneading in the lip area. By which we mean the lip area. This is a family show. We like how she’s teamed it with stripy pink top and girly-girl pigtails.

Other people - by which we mean the Daily Mail - have reported it thus: ‘The model’s beestung lips looked almost bigger than her face.’

Er, no.

Let’s look at Katie Price’s chunky pucker from another angle… Continues…

Cliff Richard - who Jesus wants for a sunbeam - has spoken in his new autobiography of his close friendship with a male man with whom he shares his life.

What, bumming? Continues…